You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Randomize
