she looked like the bat from fern gully.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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