I haven't been this sober since birth.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
