I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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