There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
