I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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