i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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