She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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