i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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