im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
