Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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