if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
