i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
