Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
