You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
