I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
