I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Someone came in the potted fern
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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