Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
i think i have herpe
just one?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
