hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize