The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
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