upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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