i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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