She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I could make wine with my vomit
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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