I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
