I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
pop tarts are not kleenex
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
