Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize