My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Randomize
