you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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