Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
