I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
