I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
