My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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