My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Randomize
