OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
