If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
We were destined to go to rehab together
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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