She is in my trunk
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
he thought i was a dude.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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