Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
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