Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
