I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
