Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
