i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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