She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
