There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
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