well I can't set my house on fire every night
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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