Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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