My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
