Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
