Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
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