i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Randomize
