Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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