you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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