Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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