i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
