I'm going to jail i love you
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
