How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
