my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Randomize
