i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
